12.10.12

I drank the water...

and it still hasn't worked. I wish I had a dollar for every time I am hanging out with a group of ladies and there are numerous ones who are preggers and inevitably someone tells me "it's in the water here, drink some".  I apparently have some unfortunate immunity to it. As I stated in this previous post, I having been struggling with infertility for the past 7 and 1/2  years. That is a long a$$ time.  The point of today will be to explain how infertility and my bipolar have merged to be a major stressor for me.

There are the women who know early on they want to have babies, there are the girls who think that one day, probably, but no rush, there are the ladies who think they don't really want them and suddenly life is catching up, the clock is ticking and they're reevaluating and then...the ones who know being a mom isn't in their cards. I was the girl who never questioned I would be a mom, it would be my biggest job, the question was always when.

The struggles with my bipolar and the traumas I endured  led to a life of confusion, waking up day to day and wondering my purpose. I always knew that once I had a baby, my purpose would be so apparent. This added to my pain when it didn't happen so readily. They make it look so easy in the movies, as if  you look at each other and a baby grows there by osmosis. Not so much, although it did for my mother, she got pregnant even after she had her tubes tied..this is one thing we don't have in common. Rude.

Wiki and I have been married for over 9 years, I am almost 34 and I can tell you unequivocally that I never thought I'd be in this position  I am from the South and the country at that, people get married early here and have 3.5 kids by the time they are 25. I figured I'd be a little later, maybe wait till 26...but alas, I married me a Boston boy and well, there's that.

I have had surgery for endometriosis 3 times now and I have numerous cysts and fibroid tumors, this is not my body screaming it's ready to make a baby. I knew there would be difficulties, but not to this extent. I. was. wrong. We were at a wedding in Dec of 06, it was the first of my husbands high school friends to be married(3 1/2 yrs after us) the next couples were getting married in the next 8 months, there was a discussion as to what the next "couple milestone" amongst the friends would be...everyone agreed it would be Wiki and I having the first baby. It is 6 years later and we are the only couple left who doesn't have a baby, Jinx much?

I wish I could say I was above tears, that I hadn't cried over friends/families pregnancies. but I'm just not that strong and with that has come guilt,  guilt that I shed tears for the happiness of people that I love. Luckily I have always been able to keep it to myself and muster smiles and congrats for my friends. and I am incredibly happy for each of them, that is something I am actually good at, I have the ability to feel joy and excitement for the people I love while feeling pain for myself and what I'm missing.

This last year was one discovering myself, of getting healthy. I had to spend last year debating with God. I had to ask a lot of questions of myself and my faith, of what I believe and am willing to accept. in my life I have seen tragedies and experienced terrible things, but I have also seen joyous events and I have been a prayer warrior for people who needed it. I was the woman who could quote a verse for someone in need. and I had a conundrum, I had to wonder if God's plans for my life and mine were the same. what if having a baby wasn't what He wanted for me. Is my faith and everything I have proclaimed to believe my whole life, is it real? If it isn't in the cards for me, can I accept that. Right now, I'd like to say yes, but I'm not perfect. I truly hope God's plan for me involves a sweet baby(maybe 2) I mean, hello with Wiki's olive skin and black hair and my blue eyes, give it up...our kid is gorgeous already;)

there are those that say people with mental illness should never have kids. basically I am contemptuous towards those people. There are many things I have failed at, that I am not good at, and while I won't be perfect(ummm, who is?) and I know there are times it will be overwhelming, it's the one thing in my life I know I am meant to do, whether I have my own or am blessed to raise someone else's as mine.

Infertility is a struggle, miscarriages damage you, make you feel like something is wrong with you. For 8 years, each month I have been reminded I am a failure, that my body isn't cooperating. It is hard to explain. I don't know how to tell you how desperately I want to be somebody's "mommy" to wipe tears, to change diapers, to shake my head in exasperation when they're having a melt down. I long for it all...

the ache and yearning you have for someone who has yet to exist except in the depths of your heart, isn't something words can adequately express.

Perhaps, soon. Perhaps not. But I'm mentally getting to a place where I can accept it, but it would be disingenuous to say it's easy.

Tomorrow I'll discuss PTSD, then that's it. back to food and drinks and bargains.





4 comments:

  1. Thank you for bearing your heart. You will be in my prayers. I will say this again...you are so incredibly strong!!!

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  2. You are a mommy, to my son! As far as the bipolar shouldnt have children, nobody got to/ gets to pick their parents. But in special cases like mine and jacksons, when one parent steps out of the picture, and i need an "overstudy" (not an understudy) I CHOOSE you.
    To protect and love and nourish OUR family. Its not the white picket fence i had envisioned. Its more beautiful than i ever dreamt of!

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  4. OMG! After losing my first child to stillbirth, full term, with a normal pregnancy.. having my entire world come crashing down around me and losing my first love too (his father), I never thought I would love again. I finally met my fiance and we decided we wanted to try to start a family. We tried for nine months to get pregnant and nothing happened. Each month when I would get my cycle, I was so let down and sad so I finally just "gave up". Two months later, I found out I was pregnant on a Friday. I was just so happy. This August 5th was one of the happiest days of my life and I barely got to enjoy it as I started bleeding the next day. I was able to be seen by a doctor a couple days later and get an ultrasound where he told me "there's your baby but it's so low that you are already starting to miscarry". August 9th I passed the baby and lost my second child. I'm 32 and I watch my friends have children who aren't prepared, don't know how to parent children, can't afford them, etc.. and here I am, full of live and love, wonderful with children and full of experience, everyone's "Favorite Aunt Jamie".. but I am childless-- I just have Angels. So I feel your pain here. I've learned that I can't ask God why he took my babies from me or why he hasn't given me another child or given me a pregnancy sooner.. all I can do is patiently wait and pray that someday soon I will be blessed with the most beautiful gift there is. And I pray you get that blessing too!

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