19.2.13

Infertility Prayer Project

It's finally here. I am excited and nervous about this experience, but the few people I have spoken with about it have given me positive feedback. I wish there had been such a venture when I first began struggling with my desire to have a baby. If even one person becomes grateful they participated...then it will have been worth it. 

What is the infertility prayer project exactly?

I want this to be a sounding board for women(or men!) that are struggling with the overwhelming desire to have a child and it is not so readily happening for them. even when it seems it is happening for everyone you know or even meet. Your friends who are on birth control. Your friends who were still in middle school when you got married 10 years ago...Everybody;)
I should probably admit that when I typed that my mind said "errybuddyy"  

But also for families who in the past have suffered a miscarriage and since gone on to have successful pregnancies. I have spoken to women who have told me that they feared discussing that they still had raw pain from the loss, that they felt guilt about wondering about that baby. They felt they had so much to be grateful for and were somehow undermining how much they loved their children who are here. I want this to be a place that they can ask for prayers...and to even share there stories. I promise it is ok to grieve for them, they were yours.


I would like this to be a place that women who struggled with infertility for years and had to finally take upon other means to be a mother. I want to hear your story. Women need to know the positive that can come from the negative. That the emptiness that you feel... that void can eventually be filled, even if it is not in your timing...but His. I want to not only pray for those who are hurting, but praise Him for those successes.

My goal is that you will comment or email me and I am going to pray every Sunday night and intermittently throughout the week. If you want to remain anonymous  then comment that way and just leave me your initials. If you want to tell your full name, the babies you have lost, the babies you have had, how long your struggle has been, I want it all. If you have a sister or daughter or friend or even your wife...and you want me to pray for them, tell me. and perhaps, other women will join in and pray too! Prayer changed things.

I want to pray for everyone on Sundays...and for those of you who are willing to share your full name/story with me, I want to choose two or three a week until I have gone through everyone and pray for those women in depth, for that week. and if you leave me your contact info...When your week comes up, I will contact you and let you know.

I don't care if you have struggled for 3 months or 3 years. A desire is a desire and it isn't easy. But please note my prayers are  not going to be "Please let so and so become pregnant this week" My prayers will be that you will become a parent,  but if it is not the "way" in which you want or the timing that you so crave, I will pray that you will come to understand His plan, even if it's not happening in the way that you want. Believe me, easier said than done. I know.

I understand all  of the emotions that come with infertility. From being a young wife who was ready quite a long time before my husband, to friends getting married years after me and becoming moms twice over...to the ache of a baby whose loss is still felt. I promise there isn't one emotion I haven't felt. My story of infertility began 8 years ago. Over a hundred reminders every month that my one true desire, my ultimate dream...evades me still.

 I legitimately peruse the aisles of  target and Babies R Us, imagining these items in my house, my baby in them. I imagine a future of laughs, of dances and graduations...and each year that passes, each try that becomes another failure...my imagination dims ever so slightly. and even writing that brings tears to my eyes as the realization just hit me...and it makes my heart oh, so sad.


Olive skin, dark hair and blue eyes. A perfect combination of my husband and I. Next month will be five years since my pregnancy was lost. It was extremely early on and I had no idea I was even pregnant, I had been told multiple times that I would never become pregnant without help. I try and picture what my baby would have looked like, were they a miss or a mister... and normally that is what I conjure up, the skin and hair of their father and my blue eyes.. although, I normally cannot grasp a very clear image. I tell myself it is because the baby I imagine can never touch the actual one God has planned to place in my arms. For now the baby lies solely in my heart. He or she would start kindergarten in the fall. I think of that baby often when I am around other children that age. Would they have my mindset or my husbands? Would they have another sibling? How different would my life be? We had been married just shy of 5 years, I was on the verge of my 30th birthday. I had assumed I would have 2, possibly 3 children by then. But our plans are not His...but when I cannot see the grander picture...those are the moments I most wish our plans were aligned. It is not til later that I can see His hand placed in every detail.

This year we are to celebrate 10 years of being hitched. I will turn 35 and the ache in my heart has never dulled. Every few years I go through stages. I can be strong and handle it and other times...the pain comes in waves. It grips your gut and you cannot see past the blinders you have on: baby fever. I wish I could tell those of you who are in the beginning phases that it gets easier but that would be disingenuous  You just learn to handle it better. You save your tears for when you are alone. The worst are when people tell me "I am still young" or "You guys still get to travel everywhere" Please don't say these things to women who are struggling, they are so....for lack of a better word: Ech.

There are no adequate words for the longing of my heart, for how it desires to be a mother. How do you possibly express the feeling and yearning you have for a person who has yet to exist except in the depths of your heart(and God's image)  I so desire to hold them for the first time, no matter whether I carry the baby or I am given the best gift that life can bring by someone else....

So this is where my heart is coming from. I would like to do two to three posts a month regarding this. One I would like to be from a woman who is in the process of the struggle, if you(or anyone you know) would be willing to share your story...to put yourself out there. Another post would be from a woman who struggled with infertility or miscarriages(or both) and now are mothers. Give hope to women who are in the midst. Even if you are a woman who tried and motherhood was not in the cards for you...my prayers know no bounds. If you are ready and your spouse isn't...I will still pray. If you have the life you always dreamed of, but the grief for your child who didn't survive is still there, please...I will deliver you up to the Lord. If you are single and struggling with wondering if you will ever get married and have children...please, add your name. 

I also want to be lighthearted with this so every few weeks I plan to do vlogs of "what not to say to a woman who gots her some baby fever" If you cannot add humor to a situation...you can never win. I promise;)

If you want to know my specific struggle with infertility, why we have problems then you can click on these two posts... I drank the water  and Tick Tock Tick Tock, The baby Dilemma  

and lastly...I would like to sincerely challenge you to not avoid your friends/family who are new parents or are expecting.The person who eventually benefits least from evading their experiences is...you! Believe me, I fully understand the urge to isolate yourself from these situations. But if you choose to celebrate their joy rather than dwell on your loss...you will soon find that while your yearning has not lessened,  it will be far less daunting.  When it's finally your turn...you are going to want all your friends and family to celebrate, to participate in your happiness.  Don't punish them b/c they don't have your struggle!  Let joy creep in...eventually you will be so glad you did. I did{evade} more than once and I still reek of the feeling of being remiss.


Please feel free to pass this on to anyone who may be blessed from reading this. email it to others or share it on your facebook/twitter. For somewhat selfish reasons(if I am honest) I want to touch base with as many women as possible, there is something to be said for sharing your story with others who may not know you...but immediately "get you" Commiseration brings about healing. Fell free to comment and in no way do you have to follow my blog or be another blogger. Everyone is welcome. If you have an extended story, email may be easier than the comment section, but I will leave it up to you.

My email is 

9 comments:

  1. I think it's great that you are sharing this journey! I hope that others can gain inspiration from you and I pray that the Lord will bless you with a wee one so very soon!!!

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  2. This is such a beautiful post, Maddie. I can't speak about anything related to this topic, as I have never tried to become pregnant, but I have known people who have struggled. God has such amazing plans for each of us and I can't wait to see what he has in store for you! Love you, sweet friend!

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  3. Your heart in this post is nothing but amazing and I pray for you every step of this journey.

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  4. You are in my prayers now as well. Thank you for this post and thank you for being brave enough to share your journey. I am at the beginning of mine and I am just getting brave enough to start talking about it.

    I nominated you for a Liebster Award...come network with me. The details are on my blog here: http://www.emasgrandideas.com/2013/02/liebster-award.html

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  5. I'm praying with you! Thank you for sharing. I'm here for you. There are still twinges inside me when I see a pregnant woman and know I had to let MY dream be altered by the plan GOD had.

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  6. I read this with tears brimming in my eyes. My heart breaks and aches with you.
    Know that I am praying, praying, praying so hard for you. Thank you for sharing your story and your journey with us. xoxo.
    Psalm 20:4

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  7. This is such a beautiful post. Thank you for sharing. My husband and I have been struggling with infertility for 16 months and counting. After 6 months of trying, I was pregnant, but it ended in a miscarriage. Since then I have had thyroid testing, internal ultrasounds, hsg tests, and my husband had a semen analysis (all results from these tests normal). I tried clomid for 3 months with no success. I sent myself to fertility specialists who found out my trouble is low AMH (low ovarian reserve). We just finished our first femara/ovidrel/iui cycle with no success. Looking forward to reading more from you. Praying for you. :)

    Tiffany @ Life After The Wedding
    Keithandtiffanymesser.blogspot.com

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  9. Its amazing and I pray for you every step of this journey.
    infertility clinic

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