I have touched base before on our struggles getting pregnant, but have never really delved into the specifics of why and how. There are a number of reasons that we have had troubles and some should be simple fixes and others...they are way past complicated.
Next week I am starting a project that I am really excited about taking place over the next few months that will specifically deal with the small often unseen details of the struggles to get pregnant or if you put the label in it:infertility. So before I did that I wanted to share a little more in depth.
That tick tock is b/c this month marks the beginning of our one year. After over 8 years of trying, we're down to... One year to get pregnant, one year to have another surgery, one year to try new shots and most importantly...one year off of my medicine. That's why we have a limit. and every day...I get more nervous that the one year will be up and my dreams have finally crashed and burn...But I also believe in the Lord's promises.
Prepare..I may get a little personal here, so warning time. Leave if you must;) haha I will not get too overzealous in my explanations, but you know...I may throw around bleeding and tampons a time or two. but mainly this is to parlay my feelings.
I started my period at a very early age...I was 9, yes, you read that correct. NINE. and I had no idea what happened, I thought I had a cut "in a bad place" haha talk to your daughters early, folks:) By 12 I had an excused absence from school for 2 days each month b/c I would lose so much blood and have severe cramps. Everyone assumed I had what my mom and each aunt had also had...Endometriosis, but the doctor assured us that was not the problem. I just suffered from severe cramps and birth control pills should help...I tried them for a while, but if you have read some of My previous posts regarding my depression and PTSD, all of this took a back seat and I had to come off the birth control because of medication interference.
Fast forward to 6 months before I was scheduled to get married, I was visiting my future in laws in Boston for Thanksgiving and a pain that threw me to the ground, that took my breath and had me doubled over in agony. The ER immediately thought I was suffering from kidney stones and were actually pretty shocked when the ultra sound showed numerous cysts that had burst. I had no idea that they would hurt so much! Then 5 weeks before we were scheduled to get married, they had to do emergency surgery to remove cysts...and endometriosis that was a stage 4 and wrapped around all my organs. We got married and not even 10 months later it had completely grown back. They tried putting me on a lupron shot and it caused seizures.
The next few years just involved excruciating pain each month, excessive bleeding and all out nightmare b/c of my period. It caused infertility. to stop it's growth, you need to get pregnant, but it also blocks getting pregnant. I love nature fighting nature...not;) I was diagnosed with a large fibroid the size of a grape fruit, I have to have it removed along with another surgery to clean out my endometriosos.
I was told I couldn't get pregnant with out help and I knew it was going to be a long road and one of prayer, I just didn't understand the full depths. The doctors were wrong, I did get pregnant and I lost the baby. There is an overwhelming feeling of loss and of failure that you can't quite put into words when you suffer a miscarriage. I have friends who have had 5 and 6. I honestly cannot fathom how they do it. Although, we are all stronger than we think and when we have a desire...you can push through pretty readily.
I wish I could describe the pain...I suppose I could, you know how they thought I had kidney stones that one time, ten years ago...Well...I eventually did(thanks mom and dad, no big deal. You both gave them to me equally;) and it took me four days to finally go to the emergency room. I am so used to the severe pain that I just thought I was having a cyst burst with my period. The hospital was incredulous that I waited so long to come in. The funny part was the doctor said that had I been a man...I woulda been there first thing. haha TRUTH. So that is how bad my cramps are, I cannot drive, I normally go through a box of tampons in a day and I throw up for two straight days. It blows, to put it mildly. haha
I am having the surgery in a few months, I hope this one finally is what it takes.. I am going off my bipolar medicine and I am scared. what if I am not capable of functioning with out it and we have to give up? I want a baby desperately, but I cannot put my desire ahead of being healthy for my child. It is a big realization, it is a world of hurt and confusion. and I have 12 months to determine if being a mother is finally gonna happen. I can't be off the medicine longer than that and still be healthy. and while I yearn for a baby, my goal is to be a mother...and not just "have a baby"... To bake cookies and snuggle, potty training and temper tantrums. I long for it all. except the parts that involve mommy being crafty. Sorry baby B, you are gonna get the short end of that stick, but I will try. But all is good, your mommy will make whoopie pies;)
I want to be a mother, I want to have a child with my husband, I truly desire to see him be a father and for that first moment I hold my child in my arms, no matter how I become a mother. I get chill bumps just thinking about it.
The tick tock is just a lot louder and more obvious now...
This is a part of my journey, but not the whole story...and mine, while unique to me, is somewhat similar to millions of other women. Infertility is rampant. And even though it is definitely more talked about now a days, some women(and definitely men) suffer in silence. Refuse to talk about it. Find it embarrassing.
and so next week I am debuting the Infertility Prayer Project. I am really excited about the opportunity to have a place where women can share their desires and wishes with other women who are in a similar situation. Whether you put it all out there or anonymously as a place to ask others to pray b/c you are not quite ready to share your story. There is too much negativity, positive words can mend wounds you often didn't know you had.