When It's You Next To The Dumpster

 before I begin, usually I will edit for perfection, swap out words that give added oomph to my posts. Today I will ask that you excuse me for this was simply what poured out. I normally would scour for any grammar errors or possible misspelling but this time, imperfection is perfect because it is genuine. 

I am sure by now most of you are familiar with the name of Brock Turner, the rapist from Stanford. Over the past week I have read more than my fair share of articles and information regarding this incident and, each time, under the surface of my skin, a rage has begun to bubble up...fiery and ready to erupt. The disgust at his sentence, the letter from his father leaving me utterly nauseated and full of contempt.  I have felt myself begin to obsess, devouring each word. Often times trembling when the feelings became overwhelming. 

Yesterday I had to step back and away from the articles. It was only two short years ago that I was entrenched in an intensive therapy for PTSD stemming from childhood molestation and a brutal rape as a teenager. While in therapy, I would find myself immersed in any story regarding instances of rape and the seemingly never ending injustice for sexual assault victims. Penn State was like a drug I couldn't quit.  This would only encourage nightmares to invade my sleep and begin to swallow me back into the grisly mouth of the black hole of despair. Eventually, my therapist and husband "banned" me from reading about rape of sexual assault as I finished my therapy.


It has been almost fifteen months since the monsters plagued my mind during slumber.  Monday night, the ugly showed back up, paying no mind to not being the little bit welcome. And in my nightmares, I was once again been transported to the scariest place I know... the inside of a dumpster corral. I know that this has become a media sensation for the simple strength of the survvor and for the miscarriage of justice, but for me, the dumpster detail has packed a powerful punch. 


 One part of my PTSD encompassed having to vocalize one of my instances of abuse; sometimes it was the childhood abuse and other times the rape. Usually we would hone in on one particualr moment of abuse that occured in a dumpster corral while it was raining. As part of my therapy I would rehash the abuse verbally, spelling out the intimate details of the most horrific moments of my life as a three year old little girl.  The sessions would be recorded and I would tell the story over and over until my hour was up. My therapist and I would discuss how detached I was, what I was feeling, etc.  Then every day, twice a day, I would listen to the hour long recordings of my assault.  Each session I was given homework and often times it included walking to the place I feared most, the dumpster corral. I would have to stand in there with the door locked for a few minutes at a time until I was able to do it without panicking or any major reaction.


To get to the simple place that I was even able to stay in there for more than 30 seconds took me almost a year.  Twelve full months of walking towards what I feared the most,  the sweet and pungent smell of the garbage feasting upon my nostrils,  and I would once again be transported to a tiny blonde hair blue eyed toddler crying on asphalt through the pain asking my babysitters son when I could see my momma.  It took almost eighteen agonizing months to be able to actually place garbage where it belonged and not run like hell back to my house to take a shower to wash the stench of the memories off of me. It took forever and a day but I came upon the realization there is no soap strong enough for a feat of that magnitude. The love of Jesus is the only thing that has come close for me and even still, it lingers. 


That is what less than fifteen minutes of action led to in my life. The rape that occurred when I was just 14 years old lasted even less than "15 minutes of action." I am not even sure it lasted a full ten minutes. My memory of it seemed as if he was pawing at my body, sweating over me and grunting for an eternity, but with his hand over my mouth and whispered threats of having to hurt me if I didn't stop fighting what "I knew I wanted"...the entirety of how long it lasted is suspect. 


 However long it lasted is a trivial detail of the event, because the mere second it started, I was handed a life sentence. He may not have physically killed me, but he murdered my spirit just as certainly as if my body had been lowered into the ground three days later.  I had never even kissed a boy before that night. I was giddy with excitement and slightly timid.  Instead, the remaining innocence I had left was violently stolen from me that night and the ability to truly understand intimacy and all it entailed was ripped away.


I lost all sense of self worth and deemed myself tainted and ruined. I was broken and shattered, the pieces of me to fragmented to even try to put back together.  I cared little for my body, it was no longer a temple to respect but a toy for whoever was in the mood to play. Then,  mere eight months later, death beckoned and I answered the call. I took hundreds of pills and suffered cardiac arrest. My parents were given a 50 percent chance of my survival. I did survive (obviously;) with frontal lobe brain damage that causes seizures and ten days later I was released from ICU and the real journey began.


I was admitted for my first psychiatric stay, of what would become many. I would develop eating disorders. First anorexia, then bulimia, the second led to a ruptured esophagus and more heart problems.   I would beg to die many more times before my 19th birthday. I was hospitalized 13 separate times, all over the east coast and before I could legally vote. I would be diagnosed and un diagnosed to many times to keep count. I would become involved in very abuse relationships, one that only ended when he put a cigarette out on my arm because I fetched him the wrong beverage.


Eventually I stopped treatment and pulled off the facade of "normalcy" for awhile. I got married and my ability to pretend I was fine ended when I struggled with prolonged infertility and miscarriages.  This is when everything I thought I had put to bed came crashing back.  I was at a place where I could no longer function without intervention. I was once again hospitalized and, in addition to my other diagnosis, I was given one of PTSD.  Shortly after my release, I  began therapy for two to three days a week for a little over two years.  It ultimately saved, not only my life, but my marriage and multiple facets of my life. 


I have always wondered who I might have been had two separate assailants not altered my story. What might my life look like. I will never know because the me that was ceased to exist in those "minutes of action" 


This is a small snippet of my story, but my pages are still being written and right now I am in control of them. My path is one I am proud to not only walk down, but sometimes trot. I was blessed enough to always be believed by my family, to have friends who have showered me with love, to have a husband with more grace than most could ever muster and most importantly, I was privileged enough to have fantastic insurance that provided me with the treatment to get well. It is a privilege I do not take for granted ( that is another blog post;) 


  I want you to know that if this has happened to you that you are not alone. That no matter how steep the mountain may seem to you to have to overcome, it is possible. It will not be easy and at times it will feel almost unbearable, but the other side has the fresh air you so desperately seek. 


To the anonymous strong woman in this case...your words have rocked me to my core. your strength has taken away my breath, may you be surrounded by love.  You have my prayers as you struggle in this time. I cannot imagine the added dimension of the intimate details of my assaults being plastered everywhere for people to comment on and dissect. All my heart to you. 


and in the meantime, let's call it what it is #rapenotaction

if you want to know more of my story, click here


Friends, if you wonder why I often talk about my past. If you think I focus on it to much, that I should let it go, the justice in this case is why my story and any one else's matters and must never be silenced. 





69 comments on "When It's You Next To The Dumpster"
  1. You are amazing. You are beautiful, powerful and yes, badass. I am so sorry to hear all that you have been through. The pain and reality that you experienced. I am so glad to hear that you received the support and help you needed as you found your way through this. As you continue to. Thank you for your honesty. For being raw and real. For sharing. It's voices like yours that must always be heard. There are far too many and it's way too frustrating that other noises and - honestly - crap - get publicized. No. This is what needs to be read and heard. The truth. Thank you for sharing. I hope that someone who needs to read this comes across it and finds strength in your words.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Peace and love to you and bless you for writing this. You truly are a badass survivor.

    I have been obsessive and enraged over this and I do not have this in my history, so I can take what I feel and magnify it by a million and it is just too much to bear for those who have already suffered enough. This sentence is a slap in the face to not only Turner's victim but to all victims.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I can't even. I am so proud of you for being so open, but I can't imagine all the emotions this opens. I am so angry at the system and I can't believe he would get off with such a light sentence. Did you read Joe Biden's letter to the victim? xo, Champagne&Suburbs

    ReplyDelete

  4. So all the point which as you mention i am totally agreed.
    Thanks for your kind information.
    goldenslot
    สูตรบาคาร่า

    ReplyDelete
  5. i am new to this, I stumbled upon this I’ve found It absolutely helpful and it has helped me out loads. 먹튀검증업체순위
    I am hoping to contribute & aid different users like its aided me. Good job.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Wow, this post is good, my younger sister is analyzing these kinds of things, thus I am going to tell her. 토토검증

    ReplyDelete
  7. stuff and written well for a change. It’s nice to see that some people still know how to produce a quality post! 안전공원

    ReplyDelete
  8. best by introducing verification and verification I'm reading it well. This is something that 검증커뮤니티

    ReplyDelete
  9. The registered guarantor at reliable Plz answer back as I’m looking to construct 메이저놀이터

    ReplyDelete
  10. I like the helpful info you provide in your articles. I’ll bookmark your blog and check again here frequently. I’m quite sure I’ll learn plenty of new stuff right here! Good luck for the next. 스포츠토토

    ReplyDelete
  11. Will really appreciate the writer's choice for choosing this excellent article appropriate to my matter.Here is deep description about the article matter which helped me more
    대구오피

    Hi there i amm kavin, its my first occasion to commenting anywhere,
    when i read this paragraph i thought i could also
    create comment due to this sensible post.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Great web site. A lot of useful information here. I’m sending it to several friends ans also sharing in delicious. And obviously, thanks in your effort! 야설

    Also visit my web site;
    야설

    ReplyDelete
  13. Very good information. Lucky me I recently found your website by accident I have book marked it for later!
    일본야동
    Also visit my web site 일본야동

    ReplyDelete
  14. This blog is very informative the stuff you provide I really enjoyed reading 국산야동
    Also visit my web site 국산야동

    ReplyDelete
  15. I would like to thank you for the efforts you have made in writing this article. I am hoping the same best work from you in the future as well. 일본야동
    Also visit my web site 일본야동

    ReplyDelete
  16. I accidentally searched and visited your site. I still saw several posts during my visit, but the text was neat and readable. I will quote this post and post it on my blog. Would you like to visit my blog later? 메이저놀이터추천

    ReplyDelete
  17. I finally found what I was looking for! I'm so happy. 사설토토사이트 Your article is what I've been looking for for a long time. I'm happy to find you like this. Could you visit my website if you have time? I'm sure you'll find a post of interest that you'll find interesting.

    ReplyDelete
  18. My partner and I stumbled over here coming from a different website and thought I may as well
    check things out. I like what I see so now i'm following
    you. Look forward to exploring your web page again.오피사이트

    ReplyDelete
  19. I am glad to be able to see your article,
    and I hope that you will continue to upload a lot of good articles. Please visit once you have time.
    My site is
    토토사이트

    ReplyDelete
  20. 스포츠토토 Just wanna input on few general things, The website style is
    perfect, the articles is very fantastic :D.

    ReplyDelete
  21. You ought to be a part of a contest for one of the best websites on the net.
    I will recommend this website!

    Look at my page:
    온라인카지노

    ReplyDelete
  22. I just could not go away your web site before suggesting that I really enjoyed the standard information a person provide on your guests?
    Is going to be back steadily in order to check up on new posts. My web-site 바카라사이트

    ReplyDelete
  23. Wow, this piece of writing is pleasant, my younger sister is analyzing these things,
    thus I am going to inform her.
    부산오피

    ReplyDelete
  24. I think this is an informative post and it is very useful and knowledgeable. therefore, I would like to thank you for the efforts you have made in writing this article :D 안전놀이터순위

    ReplyDelete
  25. I know this is extremely boring and you are skipping to succeeding comment, however I just needed to throw you a big thanks you cleared up some things for me!
    안전놀이터

    ReplyDelete
  26. What a post I've been looking for! I'm very happy to finally read this post. tỷ lệ kèo Thank you very much. Can I refer to your post on my website? Your post touched me a lot and helped me a lot. If you have any questions, please visit my site and read what kind of posts I am posting. I am sure it will be interesting.

    ReplyDelete
  27. Thank you so much for giving everyone such a splendid opportunity to discover important secrets from this site.
    It is always very sweet and full of fun for me personally and my office colleagues to
    visit your blog minimum thrice in a week to see the fresh guidance you will have.
    And definitely, I'm so always amazed for the fabulous creative
    ideas served by you. Some two points in this posting are absolutely the most effective we've had.

    Visit my site :: 바카라

    (IVY)

    ReplyDelete


  28. 안녕하세요!! 김포 구래동 1인샵 소라원장 인사드려요쾌적한 공간에서 편안하게 쉬어가실 수 있도록 언제나한분한분께 정성과 최선을 다 해 관리해 드리겠습니다 마사지.

    ReplyDelete
  29. I saw your article well. You seem to enjoy keonhacai for some reason. We can help you enjoy more fun. Welcome anytime :-)

    ReplyDelete
  30. I got a web site from where I be capable of really obtain valuable information regarding my study and knowledge.
    Great Article… Good Job… Thanks For Sharing…
    송송넷

    ReplyDelete
  31. It’s actually very difficult in this active
    life to listen news on TV, therefore I only use web for
    that purpose, and get the hottest information.오피월드


    3YOUNGYANG

    ReplyDelete
  32. I think this is among the most important information for me.
    And i am glad reading your article. But should remark on few general things,
    The website style is ideal, the articles is really nice : D.
    Good job, cheers
    온라인경마

    magosucowep

    ReplyDelete
  33. Such an amazing and helpful post. I really really love it.
    토토사이트

    ReplyDelete
  34. Just how can you have such abilities? I can not evaluate your abilities yet, yet your writing is incredible. I considered my instructions once more. I desire a professional like you to review my writing and also court my writing due to the fact that I'm actually interested concerning my abilities. mouse click the up coming document

    ReplyDelete

  35. Manage your crypto assets and navigate the markets while on the go. Get full Bitfinex platform functionality on your fingertips with one click 사설경마

    ReplyDelete
  36. I am browsing this website daily, and get good facts from here all the time.... E Visa of Turkey for the convenience of foreign travelers and tourists, Turkish government introduced an electronic visa processing. Here you can read all the details about Turkey visa eligibility rules, visa exemption guidelines, passenger locator form & visa fees. Visit Turkey evisa portal.

    ReplyDelete
  37. A very awesome blog post. We are really grateful for your blog post. combat, law enforcement You will find a lot of approaches after visiting your post. I was exactly searching for. Thanks for such post and please keep it up. Great work.
    안전놀이터

    ReplyDelete
  38. Hey what a brilliant post I have come across and believe me I have been searching out for this similar kind of post for past a week and hardly came across this. Thank you very much and will look for more postings from you. 먹튀검증 and I am very happy to see your post just in time and it was a great help. Thank you ! Leave your blog address below. Please visit me anytime!

    ReplyDelete
  39. Wonderful items from you, man. I’ve have in mind your stuff previous to and you’re just extremely excellent. I actually like what you’ve acquired here, really like what you’re saying and the way in which through which you assert it. You’re making it entertaining and you still care for to keep it smart. I cant wait to read far more from you. That is actually a terrific web site. Feel free to visit my website;

    야설

    ReplyDelete
  40. Hello there, You have performed an excellent job. I will definitely dig it and personally suggest to my friends. I’m confident they will be benefited from this web site. Feel free to visit my website; 일본야동

    ReplyDelete
  41. Hard to ignore such an amazing article like this. You really amazed me with your writing talent. Thank for you shared again. Feel free to visit my website;
    국산야동

    ReplyDelete
  42. I am always searching online for articles that can help me. There is obviously a lot to know about this. I think you made some good points in Features also. Keep working, great job ! Feel free to visit my website;
    일본야동

    ReplyDelete
  43. Great write-up, I am a big believer in commenting on blogs to inform the blog writers know that they’ve added something worthwhile to the world wide web! Feel free to visit my website;
    한국야동

    ReplyDelete
  44. Thank you for your post. I sincerely thank you for your post. If you are interested in purchasing our products, you can contact us through this website Custom Packaging Boxes UK.

    ReplyDelete
  45. When I read your article on this topic, the first thought seems profound and difficult. There is also a bulletin board for discussion of articles and photos similar to this topic on my site, but I would like to visit once when I have time to discuss this topic. sòng bạc


    ReplyDelete
  46. I came to this site with the introduction of a friend around me and I was very impressed when I found your writing. I'll come back often after bookmarking! 메가슬롯


    ReplyDelete
  47. Nice article thank you for this. Check the Kenya visa requirements before you apply for the Kenya visa through online visa application. The e visa application offers the fast visa services. Thank you

    ReplyDelete
  48. This is a topic that’s near to my heart… Many thanks! Where are your contact details though? E Visa for India is you can obtain online without the need of visiting the Indian Embassy and Consulate. You can check the India visa site online. You can apply for India business visa registration via mobile phone, computer or desk.

    ReplyDelete
  49. casino trực tuyếnDecember 13, 2021 at 11:40 PM

    This is the perfect post.casino trực tuyến It helped me a lot. If you have time, I hope you come to my site and share your opinions. Have a nice day.


    ReplyDelete
  50. 안전놀이터추천December 16, 2021 at 9:23 PM

    Hello, I am one of the most impressed people in your article. 안전놀이터추천 I'm very curious about how you write such a good article. Are you an expert on this subject? I think so. Thank you again for allowing me to read these posts, and have a nice day today. Thank you.

    ReplyDelete
  51. 안전토토사이트December 21, 2021 at 9:55 PM

    When I read your article on this topic, the first thought seems profound and difficult. There is also a bulletin board for discussion of articles and photos similar to this topic on my site, but I would like to visit once when I have time to discuss this topic. 안전토토사이트

    ReplyDelete
  52. Nice info..... South Africa e Visa to be launched in 2022 you can read all info related to South Africa e Visa 2022 via South Africa e visa website.

    ReplyDelete

  53. Continued momentum in the growth of our advanced analytics platform is critical to our success. We need help on executing the launch with key accounts. Successful management of the team will enable it to contribute to optimal retention of partners and led to accounts that are positioned for growth.
    Custom Die Cut Sleeve Boxes

    ReplyDelete
  54. How To Count Cards in Online Casinos (안전토토사이트 Card Counting Software)

    ReplyDelete
  55. Great job! Foreign travelers can now apply for a 30 day Indian visa by submitting an application and providing certain information.

    ReplyDelete
  56. This is an excellent post I seen thanks to share it. It is really what I wanted to see hope in future you will continue for sharing such a excellent post 일본야동

    Please visit once. I leave my blog address below
    한국야동
    일본야동

    ReplyDelete
  57. Everyone has something in their mind, so am I. Let’s share out thoughts and hang out sometimes. Reach me at my site. 한국야동닷컴

    Please visit once. I leave my blog address below
    국산야동
    한국야동닷컴

    ReplyDelete
  58. Beautiful. However those who suffered losses and may not feel quite so charitable are no less deserving of our good wishes at this time 국산야동

    Please visit once. I leave my blog address below
    야설
    국산야동

    ReplyDelete
  59. Awesome dispatch! I am indeed getting apt to over this info, is truly neighborly my buddy. Likewise fantastic blog here among many of the costly info you acquire. Reserve up the beneficial process you are doing here. 중국야동넷

    Please visit once. I leave my blog address below
    야설
    중국야동넷

    ReplyDelete
  60. Incredible post I should state and much obliged for the data. Instruction is unquestionably a sticky subject. Be that as it may, is still among the main themes of our opportunity. I value your post and anticipate more. 메이저저사이트

    ReplyDelete
  61. Thanks for your great article which is both informative and innovative: with the latest updates. It was highly invaluable. Travelers can apply Indian tourist visa for US citizens directly for e-visas online. Therefore, the Indian government has developed an easy-to-use online Indian visa application form that makes it easy to apply for a visa.

    ReplyDelete
  62. Hii everyone, This is a fantastic article you've written, keep it up, You know Myanmar visa online service has been resumed from 1st April 2022 for business visa applications. You can get more info about Myanmar e-Visa government fee via our Myanmar evisa page.Read here....


    ReplyDelete
  63. Hii sir, You can enter India for business purposes. You can apply for an online Indian business visa application, first fill your all details in form then pay India business visa cost. Visa cost depends on your nationality. All processes online are safe and simple.

    ReplyDelete
  64. Hey, what a brilliant post I have come across and believed me I have been searching out for this similar kind of post for the past week and hardly came across this. Thank you very much and will look for more postings from you.
    CBD Balm Boxes
    Custom CBD Capsule Boxes
    Cookie Boxes wholesale UK
    custom lip balm packaging boxes
    Vape Cartridge Packaging UK
    Custom macaron packaging boxes uk
    printed eye shadow Boxes
    wholesale candle packaging boxes
    Custom printed soap boxes
    cardboard cones wholesale

    ReplyDelete
  65. Hello sir this is my first time commenting anywhere. When I read this article I thought I could also comment because of this great post.. Many people ask Turkey visa requirement.You can read all Turkey e visa requirements via our page we provide all info about evisa Turkey info. You can check on our visa to Turkey blog and read all the information here.

    ReplyDelete
  66. Hello, I wanted to write a little information related to Visa. Are you interested in traveling to a country? Yes, you can apply for a visa online. You can fill out your visa application form online through our Visacent website within 5 to 10 minutes. We offer visas to citizens of over 190 countries. You can read more information about visas through our website.





    ReplyDelete
  67. I got valuable information from this site keep updates more post thak you
    bankcruptcy lawyer near me

    ReplyDelete

Leave me your thoughts, I love hearing what's on your mind

Custom Post Signature