Oh, Mother's Day...
The things you can do to my emotions.
Not this year. I was ready for you. Armed with a new niece and the promise of bestie twins coming in the fall. You cannot make me sad this year. I will not look at you as representing the one thing that evades me so(ok, not the one thing. singing and not scaring people still hasn't happened yet;) It would instead represent what will be in my future and I would concentrate on the here and now.
and then CBS This Morning happened.
I am watching Sidney Portier and how his acting career began and seeing this man, once again, epitomize class, when, after the commercial break, a woman who has just had a baby goes on a spiel about "geriatric" pregnancies. and how anyone over the age of 35 fits into this category and being an "older mom" and the possible problems that go along with this. It wasn't her fault, she was trying to put a positive spin on it...but it happened on a morning where I didn't want to be reminded.
and I lost it. I quietly left the room so not to have my poor father in law see the ridiculous effect that some woman's words had on me...and made myself busy in the other room.
geriatric pregnancy...what the fudgeaduck
The thoughts kept ruminating through my mind. "I can't be a part of this, I don't count. I was 25 when we first started" and a lot of other thoughts that I am gonna go ahead and not write down for you. I can at least pretend to be a lady.
and then Wiki walks in and hand me his phone. He has googled "geriatric pregnancies" and stumbled upon an article called the "geriatric pregnancy myth" he, for some unknown reason, thought that it would be a good idea. it wasn't. It almost got thrown back at him. But then I realized it was his work phone and you know...he was saved by the skin of his teeth.
He was only trying to help. It. just. didn't.
Here is the thing. I do not give one ever lovin iota if "lots and lots of women are having babies over 35" I never wanted to be one of them. I didn't and I still don't but obviously I have little choice left. I have plenty of people I know who have and they love it and it works for them.
It just wasn't what I wanted for myself. I wanted to be a young mother. So if you ever meet me, please do me a favor. Refrain from telling me that "women here have babies later in life" "You guys have all the time in the world" Because while you may mean well...
I probably really want to become volatile towards you;)
I then did what was my only logical choice...I googled it myself and read articles that made me feel better. Ones where the women were pretty much telling doctors and anyone who used that term to "go and eff themselves" although, now it is apparently known as "advanced maternal age" cause that is so much more appealing.
My favorite was this one liner from a woman who said that if her doctor told her that "I would ask him where the hell my senior citizen discount was then"
and after a little bit, I breathed and I got over it. I looked at my chubby niece and held her as much as I could. I breathed in her sweet baby scent and I kept handing her to my husband. because in those small moments I got to picture what my life will hopefully look like one day.
a chubby, dark hair baby with olive skin, in my husband's arms.
Interestingly enough, yesterday when I went to my blogger homepage I had inadvertently checked in under my other email and it was from my other blog that popped up.and I found this blog post I had written two years ago.
and it is still true for today.
Yesterday was Mother's Day...a day that could remind me of what I'm not. Instead is the the day to see my momma and realize what I can strive to be. I am very lucky. My mom has her quirks(don't we all, I say, don't we all) but no matter what I struggled w/in my life: whether it be heartbreak or triumph, a boy hurting my feelings or a friend letting me down...I never questioned that she had my back or that if I did something wrong, she still loved me, but I better try to make it right.
My mom is my moral compass. She listened to my hurts, dried my tears and pushed me to succeed. She loves us each, almost to a fault. I was her only girl growing up. Three brothers and me. I hated this and wanted a sister. God did me one better, he gave my brothers amazing wives and I got to keep my "only girl" status. see: win/win. The times we can drive each other bonkers, I look at our life and see that our decisions, good and bad, came from her and my dad. I appreciate her most when I look back on this. The fact that we chose so well in our other halves, are a reflection of how they raised us.
So one day, when it's finally my turn and I get my chance to celebrate "Mother's Day", I only hope that I am half as good at is as she was....she wasn't perfect, but she taught me to love and trust in the One that was.