19.10.14

It Just May Be

Today's prompt is your greatest fear. I have a few things that scare me to death. I hate lightning. Heights are not my deal. Sharks make me prefer a pool to the ocean. And October always seems to remind me just how much I fear clowns. Thanks freaks in California for making it even worse this year;)

But those things aren't really what I fear. I think the thing I fear the most is almost an even tie, but right now one scares me just a little bit more.

The death of a loved one is a huge deal for me (as it is for anyone, obviously) but I tend to fear it unrealistically because it has happened so much in my life. I lost an aunt at 31 to heart arrhythmias. A best friend from high school to a drunk driver. A 24 year old cousin to cardiac arrest. My brother in laws 26 year old fiance died from a life long battle with diabetes. I would spend nights waking my husband every few hours just to make sure he was ok. To me...making it to 40 meant you were in the clear. 

But more so recently, that fear has been replaced by another one...the possibility that I may not actually ever be a mother. For pretty much my entire life, I have looked forward to that moment. To having a baby placed in my arms, to my husband being a father. For some people this is a snap of a finger...

In my case, I snapped my finger 11 years ago and still my arms are empty. I mentioned last year when I began the Infertility Prayer Project that we were on a time frame due to my medicine. It actually took almost a year to fully ween off of them and now we are at about 7 months in of no medication and 5 months post surgery. Still sans baby.

These next 5 months will be the most 'trying' for me. (pun aside;) The tick tock is so loud that I can barely hear anything else. If I do not become pregnant in these next 5 months...We are pretty much done. I will not be able to be off of the medicine for that much longer and maintain my health. And that is the most important part of pregnancy, being as mentally and physically healthy as I can be.

I have always said that I would gladly adopt, but after an 11 year journey of miscarriages and infertility, month after month of failed attempts...I honestly am not sure that I could embark on a new process that would possibly bring more heartache and pain. Even if the ending would bring the greatest joy I have ever known.

So, at this point, my greatest fear is that I will never be known by the one name I have so longed to be called....Mommy.

I believe that God has a hand and plan in my life, the question is how I will deal with it if His and mine don't match up.  I guess wine and frequent travel will help in the meantime, cause...wine. and Italy.


Helene in Between Blogtober

3 comments:

  1. Girl, that is my biggest fear too. My heart breaks for you, but is also very hopeful for you!

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  2. So sorry to read this, but thankful I did! Most people linking up for Blogtober are talking about a fear or sharks or failing. And then I found someone with whom I can relate. Thanks for being so honest :)

    Farin
    http://farinvazquez.blogspot.com

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  3. I'm so sorry for your struggle. Everything crossed that this works out for you. Big hugs lady!

    Also...freaking clowns.

    ReplyDelete

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