Today I am really excited to have Lauren here today to share her current struggles with infertility(well, excited as you can be for someone in the midst of a journey) We have emailed back and forth quite a few times and she has been so sweet. And I just found out she lives not too far from me.
Do I see a blate in my near future?
Hi there. I'm Lauren and I'm so excited to be sharing here today.
Where to start? Well, my husband and I have been married for almost 9 years. Shortly after we married I went off of birth control. Within a year I had gained 65 pounds! So at my annual OB/GYN appointment, my doctor was alarmed to say the least. After several tests, we discovered I had PCOS (Polycystic Ovary Syndrome) and for the last 8 years or so, we've been actively trying to get pregnant with no success.
To say these last few years have been a roller coaster ride would be quite the understatement.
There's the constant comparison to others, the brain tricking you into thinking you have pregnancy symptoms and the consequent negative pregnancy tests (an in my case, negative ovulation tests).
There's the people who have no idea what you're going through try to comfort you with words like "it's just not God's time" or "well you should drink the water here, everyone gets pregnant", and so on.
Bless their hearts, I know they mean well, but to a lady living this struggle day in and day out, those words really just make me want to punch them in the face.
Or my favorite are the people who ask "well do you not want children?". I'm not even going to offer a response to that one. ;)
A couple of years ago I hit my ultimate breaking point. My "infertility rock bottom" if you will. There were 27 people that I personally knew all pregnant at the same time. I started keeping a list and for a while it was just comical.
You have to laugh right?
Well that was until Thanksgiving. One thing you may not know about us infertile women is that we have a sixth sense about pregnancy. We can sense a pregnant lady a mile away.
About two weeks before Thanksgiving I told my husband I thought his cousin was pregnant. I had not had any contact with her in months, but just had a feeling. He thought I was crazy.
And wouldn't you know at the family dinner we all got a little card handed to us. I just looked at my husband and you could see the color drain from his face. It was in fact a pregnancy announcement. I held it together pretty well and then excused myself to the bathroom. When that bathroom door closed, the wall holding back my tears burst.
Then came the water works/hysterical crying/blood shot eyes...the whole kit and caboodle. I managed to just leave without having to face anyone.
I felt TERRIBLE, because I honestly 100% did not want to take any attention away from her special day.
But I think actually seeing our family's reaction and the reality that I may never see that for a baby of my own just completely broke me. And for the next 6 hours, there I was...rock bottom.
Over the last couple of years, I have come to be in a much better place emotionally with this fate I've been given. I've come to a place of accepting the unacceptable.
The unacceptable that my body is broken. That I can't provide a baby for my husband. That I can't do what I was created to do.
I believe with all that's in me that God knows how my story ends.
I believe that everything happens for a reason.
And if I believe that He has a plan and a purpose for everything, then I have to trust Him in this area of my life as well.
I have to love Him even if I never receive the greatest desire of my heart. I cannot wallow in what has or has not happened. My pity parties are contradicting to my belief that God has written my story.
So I have accepted the future God has for me, baby or no baby. I trust Him enough that He only gives us His best and that His future for me is so much more than my mind can fathom.
And so I cling to His promises. Ephesians - "God is able. He can do anything you know, far more than you could ever hope or imagine or guess or request in your wildest dreams."
So sweet sisters on this rough, rocky infertile road, I want to encourage you. Don't lose hope. Hope is never truly lost...we just sometimes lose the ability to see it. God's not done with us yet.
In two weeks I am happy to have a story that began with a PCOS diagnosis and ended up with two precious babies.