Musings On Marriage

 but first, a few weeks ago was our ten year anniversary party and I did a simple party with lots of touches of mint and coral and I knew I wanted an ivory dress and accessories to play up my colors.

I found this sweet dress at Ross for $17 it was so comfortable. I only wish I had been a little more tan, and oh, you know...a lot thinner;) haha

 Of course I had mint and coral toes...who do you think I am?!

and cause I know you want to see it...a few touches from the party;)

And these are a few thoughts on marriage. and let me start by saying that these are only what I have found works for us. I most certainly cannot speak to be a marriage guru. I hate the lists of "do this or don't do that" and they are seen as "truth" Each couple is different and we are all unique. So take this for what it is worth;) 

My first piece of advice...let your faith be at the center of your marriage. I pray for my husband and our future in all aspects....Jeremiah 29:11 is our life verse.

Do not adopt the philosophy of "If it doesn't work out, I can always get a divorce".

I just do not understand this thought process. Marriage is hard work, people!!! There are plenty of obstacles that will make their way to your blissful marriage path, do not make it easier for the doubts to creep in.

I fully realize that some marriages just will not work and I will never judge someone for taking that route. However, why get married if that is your mindset from the very beginning? It should always be the last option (and obviously there are exceptions, as with anything!) Just remember, if you're looking for your spouse to make you "happy" your marriage is always going to be playing catch up.

 Have friendships outside of your marriage.

Relationships with other people can actually strengthen yours with your spouse. I enjoy time with my girlfriends, being my own person and when I am with my husband, I am able to fully appreciate our time together. So ladies, please don't keep him from the intermittent "guys night" or "guys weekend" as long as they are 'behaving' themselves, why would you stop it?  Men need other men, just as we need girlfriends. If not, there are areas of our lives that will be lacking and can lead to bitterness.

 Do not bad mouth/disrespect your spouse to other people.

Wiki is late to everything. I mean everything. He is so perpetually late that his nickname in HS was "TYTT' as in 'Take your time, Tony" and it stuck. On the complete opposite spectrum, my personal mantra is "if you're on time, you're already 5 minutes late" I assume you can infer how well that works out for us.

It drives me bonkers and he knows it...but that is about the most anyone is going to get from me on things about him that are not all peachy. I may reference small things here or there, but I do not believe it is in the best interest of your relationship to substantiate claims as to why your spouse is a jerk or etc.

and here is my reasoning why...

 You may think after a row with your husband that you just need to vent to a friend...but by spilling too many personal tidbits between the two of you; things he has said in a fight, how you think he treats you, hurtful and hateful comments...your friend is formulating opinions about your spouse that are probably negative and may not be fair or even true.After all, they are only receiving one side to the story and based on your emotional state at the time, your view of the events and how things went down, may not be the most accurate. {this is very true if you're me and you know...have bipolar. haha)

Especially do not run to mommy and daddy. You are your own family now and portraying a picture to your parents that he is a jerk will be hard for them to remove once you have planted the seed! Grow a garden, not weeds.

And, I also realize that in certain circumstances, you really need someone to talk to. Life is full of mitigating circumstances and will never be black/white. Just tread carefully is the gist of what I am saying. You don't need to promote the visual of a perfect marriage, but you don't have to put it all out there either...

and if you are anything like me, if you ever said something out of annoyance to a friend and then they agreed with get all defensive. haha You know the rule, he is my husband, he may drive me crazy, but if you even hint he is anything less than perfect...I will throat punch you. Ok, not really, but I would want to, which is why I never give anyone a reason!

 Remember...we are different!

We were in a small group at our church shortly after we were married and one of the books we read excerpts from was titled "Men are like waffles and women are like spaghetti" We didn't read the whole book, but there were particular topics that made perfect sense.

The premise is this- Women are like spaghetti in the way that all aspects of our lives are intertwined and you can't tell where one begins and another ends. If we are in a fight with our friends, it effects our home life and in turn, we bring it with us to work, yada yada.

Men are like waffles in the way that they are able to compartmentalize. Each box is completely separate: Work is work, friends are friends. etc.(and while in certain instances, this isn't true, I am straight up doing a generalization here;) I remember one specific chapter pertained to when men are in their own little world and their wife will ask "what're you thinking about?" and the man will respond with "nothing" and of course the woman then makes it her duty to discover what they are thinking about when, in fact, he really was thinking of absolutely nothing!

They are also fixers. and when we have problems that cannot be easily fixed, they can sometimes come across as being insensitive, when they just want to fix it and if they can't, they want it to go away. And sometimes, all we want is compassion. Talk to your spouse!

It has been ten years since we read this book, but I will never forget the time a few years ago... we were on the couch and Wiki was being quiet. I kept harping on what was wrong, what was he thinking, etc when he became exasperated and quipped. "I am in my waffle box and it's empty, completely empty!!!" Well then...Lesson learned.

 Be their biggest fan!

Men like to know that you're proud of them. I have not always been the best at this. I never stopped to think about the pressure that is on my husband and his job and the need to "provide" for our family. He works so hard and while I sometimes hate the hours he has to work, I know he is doing it for our future. He is a man of hard work ethic and character. When he annoys I readily inform him, probably more than I should and I am purposely trying to spend way more effort to let him know the things I love about him and how proud he makes me. and due to my illness...I have a man who stayed when most would have left and I am often awed by the love and compassion he has bestowed upon me when I least was deserving. But isn't that what love is? If someone only loved me in the way I deserved...I would be in trouble.

 Remember that loving someone is a choice

. and if you want your marriage to succeed, choose love. There is absolutely no one on earth who is capable of stirring up the feelings/emotions in me that my husband is. No one can infuriate me as quickly as he can and no one can make me laugh like he does. and when he makes me laugh when I am angry..that makes me even madder.

There is nothing like marriage to bring you to the realization that it is indeed possible to love someone completely while simultaneously hating absolutely everything about them. He has brought me to the point of being completely enraged and 15 minutes later happily discussing our dinner plans. We have fought and we have made up too many times to count...because we chose love. You will go through phases, sometimes you will have the "pitter patter heart stirring" love, then it will be the "tag team, we're in this together love" and it tends to go in circles, don't give up when it seems broken. 

Choose to surround yourself with people who believe in you as a couple, and want the best for you. This is pretty simple, but can be powerful.

all I know is that marriage is the hardest endeavor I have ever undertaken and it is the most worthwhile. At the end of the day, I love him and he loves me. And we did this with major, and I do mean major, hurdles being thrown our way: illnesses, the unexpected & tragic deaths of three people, long hours at work, infertility, my PTSD and bipolar. I do not always like my husband...but I love him more than anything. and that is what choosing love looks like. and we are in a perpetual state of learning each other. 

As I stated, each couple is different and not all marriages are going to work the same. What works in your marriage? What is the best advice you have been given?

and that's my two cents, however right or wrong it may be...

Linking up with Sarah, Shanna, Your Whims Wednesday, Rolled up Pretty, Pleated Poppy

18 comments on "Musings On Marriage"
  1. Best marriage post ever. You give out such good advice and you look stunning! Happy (again) anniversary!

  2. Maddie~ I jumped over from Shanna's blog hop & just fell in love with your blog! Your truthfulness is simply refreshing. My husband & I had our 7 year anniversary on Sunday and to celebrate we wanted to complete the Love Dare. We are so excited about our 40 day journey to a more fulfilling marriage through Christ and your post just made so much sense to me! Thank you and Happy Anniversary to you & yours, too!
    Much love,

  3. I found you through Sarah's link up. I love this post. Happy Anniversary!

  4. what a gorgeous dress for your party!--I love the details of it.
    really solid advice!
    happy anniversary!

  5. I love this marriage advise! There's so much truth to your post and it's such a great reminder to keep these tidbits in the back of my head! LOVE, love, love your outfit! You can't go wrong with coral and mint! :)

  6. great post and happy anniversary! just discovered your blog and I love your style! I'm your newest follower - hope you can stop by and check mine out as well : )

  7. I love love love this post. And couldn't agree with more about marriage my friend. And hello gorgeous by the fence!! That dress and necklace are adorable!!!!

  8. I'm a new visitor and I love your dress and especially the thrifty way you make it all look so awesome.

  9. Wow, this is truly great marriage advice. I definitely agree with the having friendships outside the marriage. I think it makes us so much more fulfilled as people! Happy anniversary!

    And thanks for linking up with us for the Hump Day Hop!


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  11. Loved this! I'm not married, but it really made me happy to see someone who loved their spouse so much and cared about their marriage so much! Have a great day, and happy belated anniversary!

  12. It is extremely important to meet face to face with the wedding photographer you are considering. Your photographer will be spending the majority of your wedding day with you, so it is important that your personalities mesh well with each now

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  14. Great post filled with great advice! Love it. Thanks for taking the time and sharing this with us


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